Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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