I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
