Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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