just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.