While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
