i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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