She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
