i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
