I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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