I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
