White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
