Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize