in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
