I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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