I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
