my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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