Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
