hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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