you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I think i got beer on your cat.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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