I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
