Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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