Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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