Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
