if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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