I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
