U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
