she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
