Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
