Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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