How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
