1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
my shit smells like andre
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
