Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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