he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
