I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
