If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
