fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
