you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
