watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
