wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
