I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
