my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
