Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
