I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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