Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
