Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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