i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
