sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
