Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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