I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
