If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
