FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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