the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
