chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
