Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
