I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
